From the Inside Track-- Tom Brady’s glamazon GF, Gisele Bundchen, who hasn’t been seen in these parts since No. 12 returned from La-La earlier this month, finally surfaced in the Big Apple - leading us to wonder whether Gi has been sex-iled for the duration of Tommy’s recovery! Gisele was photographed - solo - at a weekend cocktail party in NYC... Meanwhile, word from Gillette Stadium is that Brady has been there nearly every day working to rehab his injured, infected knee. And if you believe Tom’s trainer, Oscar Smith, when Brady’s rehabbin’ it’s No Girls Allowed!

I don't imagine there's a man, woman or child among us who doesn't see this as a positive development. As much as I'm sure Brady misses Gisele's home cooking and the way she's bring him an ice pack and massage his knee while he watches "Married With Children" reruns, this is for the best. And I'm sure it's tough on Gisele, having to go to these parties alone and having to stand around like a wallflower with no one to talk to, we all have to make sacrifices for the greater good that is the 2009 season. I think I speak for all of us when I say I much prefer the idea of Brady spending the next ten months living a Spartan life of self-denial, shutting out the outside world and focused only on the singular mission of coming back and bringing Hell with him. As opposed to the thought of him hobnobbing around Manhattan rubbing elbows with the glitterati then having six hour sex marathons back Gis' condo. Because like Mick told Rocky "Women weaken legs." That's the most important leg in the universe we're talking about, and the last we heard it was all full of infectious fluids. If some other part of Brady's anatomy needs to have its fluid drained, they know where to find Gisele. In the meantime I don't think ten months of celibacy from the two of them is too much to ask for.

Reader Email:

El Presidente,

Congratulations on your ignorance and colossal stupidity, because it just might have got you in legal trouble. Read on.

Unfortunately, I couldn't attend the State Meet as I was out at the University of Notre Dame where I take class and run for the Fighting Irish. However, I was surprised when my image turned up on the internet next to an entirely hateful story about Ben Perron, a current Junior at St. John's. Knowing Ben personally, I know your article couldn't have been any more off-color and slanderous, which is why I'm requesting you take it down. Care to keep it on the site? Read on.

Ben is a well-spoken kid whose reputation needs no defending or justification, especially to the likes of someone such as you. How you could even target a 17-year old kid's misfortune as a source of humor is despicable. From the standpoint of a Division 1 athlete, I would consider your assumptions on the 5k moronic at best and won't even comment. Try turning a treadmill up to 12.0 mph, hold it for 16 minutes, then tell me how easy it is for one of these kids to race a 5k. Still not convinced? Read on.

Taste aside, which you apparently lack, I'm prepared to take legal action for using my picture in conjunction with an article that brought both Ben's and my name into the negative spotlight. Slander, libel, unlicensed use of my photo, whatever it takes to get you and your site shut down. If you want to attack a kid for being honorable and simply not wanting to quit, you can at least check your sources.

Then from now on, stick to what you know. This will obviously mean dumping the "Wake up Next To..." segments on your site, as I'm not sure any woman not taking money for sex would want to wake up next to you. Oh sorry, did I make an assumption? Ask Ben how that feels. I'm regretful that I even wasted fifteen minutes of my life to address such an uneducated, worthless person. Take the whole thing down, or get a real good lawyer.

Sincerely,
Matthew Tieuli
St. John's '06
U of Notre Dame '10

I can’t tell you how many emails I’m still getting on this cross country thing from yesterday.    But this one was clearly the best.    It honestly took me like half an hour to even figure out what this dude was talking about.  Apparently when we first posted that video yesterday of Usain Bolt heroically crawling to the finish line, the picture on top of the link was of Matt Tieuli. (guy who just told me to get a real good lawyer)    Now how that turns into slander, libel and whatever else this clown is claiming is beyond me.   I mean the only person who knew that was Matt Tieuli was Matt Tieuli.   Plus I’m not why he thinks he owns that photo since it was taken at a public sporting event and I found it on google images?   They must have some funky law classes at Notre Dame or something.   Regardless I owe this kid a HUGE thank you because he just inspired me to create what is sure to become the most watched video in the history of the Stool and maybe the planet.  Yup, I accept "Caption Cross Country's" treadmill challenge!   I will get on a treadmill, turn that bitch up to 12.0 mph and hold it for 16 minutes.   And guess what?  I’ll fucking blog while I’m doing it!   Better yet, I’m not even going to train for it because training is for pussies.  I’m just going to pop in 3 pieces of Gator Gum and tear that bitch up!   And if I can’t finish I’ll get a Tampa Bay tattoo on my ass.    That’s how confident I am.

WEEI.com- Major-league sources have confirmed a report that surfaced this morning out of Kansas City that the Red Sox have traded Coco Crisp to the Royals for reliever Ramon Ramirez. An official announcement is expected shortly. Nevertheless, it is quite apparent that the demand for the Red Sox centerfielder is far more robust this year than it was last offseason...That market reality, coupled with a solid year at the plate from Crisp, created a significant increase in demand for the 29-year-old’s services.

I'm going to confess that I'm not the world's foremost authority on the Kansas City bullpen. Or brag about for that matter because the only people who are tend to be Fantasy geeks who cower from sunlight. So I have nothing to go on when it comes to Ramon Ramirez other than his name, which fills me with fear and dread because it cojures up images of Ramon Martinez and Manny Ramirez, and his numbers, which make me think the Sox got a tremendous deal here:2008: 3-2 W-L, 2.64 ERA, 71/7 Inn, 57 H, 31 BB, 70 K.

Holy crap. And he'll 27 years old on Opening Day. Believe me, I loved Coco. But he was expendable. And there's only so much time where you can keep a productive veteran around as your 4th outfielder and ignoring his trade requests before you just create a problem for yourself. Coco did it this year and was denied. But like a pro he sucked it up, played when he was needed, had a great postseason and damn near got us to the World Series. And as big an asset as he's been, when you can get a young kid capable of putting up numbers like this on a gawdawful Royals team, you jump at the chance. Let the Yankees keep overpaying for pitchers on the downside of their careers and trading for the worst hitter in baseball. Theo just got his offseason off to a hell of a good start.

DAVIS (CBS13) ― Police say a man posed as a self-defense instructor to scare hundreds of college students into buying his products.  Hundreds of sorority members at UC Davis showed up to a self-defense seminar by a man calling himself David Portnoy, who some attendees are now calling a con artist. "He said he was a third degree black belt, he didn't really have that appearance," said Julie Quintanilla. "He was really overweight." Students became even more suspicious after his hands-on demonstration. He grabbed a girl from behind, said sorority member Megan Mills, and locked his arms around her upper body. To counter the hold, "he taught to pinch the groin," Megan said, which brought the volunteer's hand back to his own groin. "He claims to be this great guy who wants to make a difference in women's lives," Megan said, "but it's fraud."

David Portnoy? Hey, that's my name! Now before people get all worked up about this story and start calling me a scumbag, I’d like to clear some shit up.   Yes, I have claimed to be a  3^rd degree black belt to impress chicks before.  And yes some people have said I’m “really overweight” lately.   And yes I’m looking for ways to supplement my income and selling pepper spray seems as good a way as any.  But I’ve never tricked a chick into grabbing my cock before.  I just ask girls how badly they want to be in my magazine and then I drop my pants.    From there I leave it up to them whether they want to touch my junk or not.    There is nothing tricky about it.   So I resent this fake David Portnoy dragging my name through the mud.   I mean I’ve spent the last four years fighting for women’s rights and building goodwill in the feminist community and now just like that I’m back at square one.  Thanks David Portnoy.  Thanks a lot.

Just a reminder that tonight's our last big bash of the year. It's our 25 Sexiest Magazine Launch Party at Gypsy Bar. Doors open at 9pm. You owe it yourself and to me to be there because I just spent the last two hours unloading these magazines from a truck and threw out my back in the process. They are heavy as fuck. It ain't easy being the Pres. So hopefully we'll see you there tonight. Especially if you're a girl. If you're a creepy guy (you know who you are) feel free to stay home.

Click Here for the Answer

Seattle Times - A Mason County man who lost his penis and a testicle after he contracted a flesh-eating bacteria while in prison has won a $300,000 settlement from the state Department of Corrections. Charlie Manning, 61, said Monday that he agreed to the settlement with the Department of Corrections (DOC) last month because he wanted the ordeal to be over. After paying his bills and attorney's fees, Manning said, he will be left with about $115,000 and plans to hunker down in his Lake Cushman motor home and live out the rest of his life. "It's been a nightmare," Manning said. "I figured I should settle for what I could get because I just want it behind me." "It's unreal. It's like something from Mars," said Manning, who expects to receive payment from the settlement this week. "I wish it would have never happened to me."

So let me get this straight.  This guy lost his dick and 1 ball and he netted $115 grand  for his troubles?   Hmm, I think it’s time to hire a new lawyer.   Because I’m pretty sure balls go for at least 500K each on the black market and dicks go for a cool million.    This guy got totally screwed.   Regardless I do believe him when he says he wishes this never happened to him.  Because believe it or not according to a recent Time Magazine survey, 97% of guys prefer not  to lose all their junk to flesh eating bacteria in prison nowadays.   Crazy right?

ATTLEBORO, Mass.—A 74-year-old blind woman was shocked when her daughter found a letter from the city saying a lien would be placed on her home unless she paid an overdue water bill.  The amount? 1 cent.  Eileen Wilbur told The Sun Chronicle of Attleboro the letter sent her blood pressure soaring, and pointed out that stamps cost 42 cents.  City Collector Debora Marcoccio said the letter was among 2,000 sent out. A computer automatically prints letters for accounts with an overdue balance, and they are not reviewed by staff before being mailed, she said. The charge was from the previous fiscal year, which ran from July 2007 to July 2008.  Wilbur's daughter, Rose Brederson, who discovered the bill in her mother's mail, called the situation "ridiculous." But she said her mother, who has lived in the home since 1959, would likely end up paying the penny.

You bet your ass she’s going to pay the penny!   I don’t get it – if the bill comes to $40.59, you don’t pay $40.58.  You pay $40.59.  I mean never in my life have I paid 1 cent less than the amount of the bill.  It’s either the total amount or nothing at all - that’s just how I was raised.  I mean think about what would happen if everyone tried to pull this kind of stunt that the old, unfortunately blind bag is trying to pull here?  The entire country would go bankrupt.  “50 Cent” would be known as “49 Cent”. In other words it would be complete chaos.  Hey, you gotta respect the woman for trying to cheat the system.  But sorry Grandma.  It’s time to fork up the cash.

That hit was so vicious that I almost thought this video was fake. We've seen some great catches, but this one has to rank right up there. I mean it's not like the ball just fell back in this guy's lap. He reached out and grabbed it and then wrestled it away from the guy who knocked him unconscious. I'd like to see a cross country runner do that.

"I live for those moments."

- Brian Scalabrine on what it felt like to cut the heart out of the Knicks.

You're welcome, Brian Scalabrine. My scathing post earlier this week clearly served its purpose - to motivate your sorry ass. Scal played with a Red's Army chip on his shoulder in this win over the Knicks. He dropped a killer stat line: 8 points, 3 rebounds and 1 block. He also buried a 3-pointer with about a minute left that put the Knicks away. And most importantly - he won the Tommy Award. Anyone else think Comcast went a bit overboard in their postgame praise of Scal? Alright, I'll let it go and give the dude his 15 mili-seconds of fame.As for the game, Perkins was a monster (16 pts, 8 reb, 3 blks), Rondo returned to form (15 pts, 8 reb, 7 assts) and Leon Powe (14 pts, 7 reb) led the way off the bench. Not sure what Knicks coach Mike D'Antoni had up his ass, but the dude was bitching all night. Guess he forgot how badly the league screwed the Celtics with the KG suspension.Chuck - Red's Army

More of the Saved By The Bell co-ed here...

Who do you want to Wake Up with? Ub@barstoolsports.com

(pic from Worcester Telegram)

CLICK FOR VIDEO

Reader Email: 

Email #1

Are you fucking serious?  I wish I could write this letter politely, but for an asshole like you I really don't have the self restraint.  I can understand a lazy piece of shit like you not understanding the sport of cross country and thus not appreciating it, but poking fun at a kid who collapsed and got sent to the hospital is fucking pathetic.  Wow, congratulations on being able to jog 5 miles.  There's a huge difference between racing a 5k and "running" 5 miles at 14 minute pace.  In a race, you push yourself as hard as you can.  Ben Perron is a talented athlete and was somewhere around 10th-15th place in Saturday's ALL-STATE meet before he collapsed.  There is absolutely nothing funny about what happened to him regardless of the reason.  This kid has a significantly brighter future in running than you have in writing, as you're clearly a talentless bum.

You're an asshole,
Cliff Bargar

Email #2

Dear Barstool Sports,

I just wanted to comment on your opinion of the cross country runner from St. Johns. This is definitely one of the most inspirational videos I have ever seen. The guts, heart and determination this kid showed was unbelievable. Sure it was only a 5k race but its all relative. It's all about how hard you push yourself. This kid went all out, gave it everything he had from start to finish. He would have run an unbelievable time unfortunately his legs gave out a few yards short from pushing himself so hard.

Congrats on running 5 miles, I thought the biggest workout you've gotten in the past couple years is getting up from your computer chair to walk to the fridge to get another beer. Try running a 5k at a 5 minuet mile pace then you can comment on this video.

This kid is one of the best runners in the state believe me he has a future in running especially when he has the guts to push himself to the limit like this.

One more thing this is the STATE CHAMPIONSHIP, of course there are going to be a lot of people there. Not everyone divides their time between watching football games and deciding who the next barstool smoke show is going to be. 

Get a real job

Email #3

Real big of you all to make fun of a 17 year old kid in need of real medical help.  Oh, and I'm glad you've run 5 miles before, congratulations.  Ever done it at 6 minute mile pace in HS?  And the kid was near the lead when he collapsed.

Glad you could make a few jokes at his expense though!

Jeez, joggers are a sensative bunch huh? Regardless let’s clear some shit up.   I didn’t run no 14 minute mile when I completed my mini marathon back in 2001.   I was running sub 9 minute miles like it was going out of style and finished in 189th place and was passing bitches left and right.   And I would have come in 188th if I wasn't such a gentleman and let my ex girlfriend finish 1 second ahead of me. (Yes I just looked it up)   Sure I felt like quitting when that brisk Marblehead sea breeze hit me in the face and yes my legs were shaking.  But guess what?  I’m a man!   So I did what men do in short races!  I toughed that shit out and kept going.  None of this crawling bullshit.   Anybody can crawl to the finish line.  Babies can crawl!  Chicks can crawl!   Men run!   And keep in mind this was a 5 mile race!  Basically twice as long as this chump. But that’s just how we do it in the NEC!   Now excuse me while I get off my ass and grab a beer.  Hell I may even do a push up on the way back just to stick it to all the haters. 

Reader Email

From ESPN Power Rankings

10 (7)

Patriots

6-4-0

Like the black knight in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," the Patriots keep losing appendages but they fight onward. "It's just a flesh wound!" (TG)

TG - Tim Graham (AFC East);

Does Tim Graham read the stool??? I am pretty sure he does cause he totally stole that shit from Jerry

Umm, who does this Tim Graham from ESPN guy think we are?   Some no name blog being run out of my mother in law’s basement where he can just go around and steal shit and nobody will notice?  Dude that was so last week.  I mean this is pretty fucking bad right?   Poor Jerry is probably still trying to pull the dick out of his ass from getting raped like this.    Oh well.  At least it’s good to know ESPN is reading the Stool I guess?

PS - Jerry posted his article at 11:30am. ESPN posted their thing at roughly 1:40pm

DANBURY, Conn. (AP) - Danbury police say a dispute over a karaoke song triggered a brawl at a city restaurant that ended with the arrests of three men. Police say they were called to Terra Brasilis Restaurant at about 1:30 a.m. Saturday. They say 31-year-old Jefferson Gomez got angry after he thought the karaoke disc jockey skipped the song he wanted to sing. Officers say bouncers threw Gomez out of the restaurant, but his friend, 25-year-old Marcos DaSilva of Danbury, smashed a beer bottle over the DJ's head. Bouncers then threw DaSilva out, but police say the fighting continued outside. Police say they arrested Gomez after a car chase. He's charged with reckless driving, breach of peace and other crimes. He posted his $10,000 bail.DaSilva and another friend of Gomez, Jose Burges, were also arrested.
 

See now this is what being a good wingman is all about.     Your buddy gets skipped in line for Karaoke; you can do one of two things.   You can sit there like a little pussy or you can smash a beer bottle over the DJ’s head.    Sometimes actions speak louder than words and this is one of those times.  And frankly the DJ has nobody to blame but himself.     I mean once that switch has been flipped and you think you’re up next, the DJ can’t expect to pull the plug without people getting hurt. It’s like when Lincoln Hawk turns his hat around in Over the Top.  There is just too much testosterone flowing at that point to keep it bottled up for long.