Random Thoughts

Sometimes a person enters the perimeter of your celebrity radar, but you have no idea how he or she got there. Sometimes its a one-hit wonder like Cuba Gooding, Jr. Sometimes its a guy who has had a string of hits despite his obvious lack of talent, like Tony Danza, a doofusy Italian guy from Brooklyn who had about a twenty year career playing Italian doofuses from Brooklyn named "Tony." Or someone who has made it on the coattails of others. Hellooo, Ashley Simpson.

But there's another category: The people who are famous for reasons that defy all logic. People who have stepped into the spotlight of celebrity fame and set up camp there and refuse to leave, despite the fact that they've never had a single success. Today we look at Matthew McConaughey.

McConaughey releases six movies a year. Each one is a media event. Each performance is the one that's expected to propel his career into the stratosphere. Each one is box office poison. His career filmography is a cache of bombs that Al Qaeda would envy. I realized this tonight after clicking past, as quickly as I could, "The Wedding Planner." And need I remind anyone about "Failure to Launch"?

What happened to the bottom line in Hollywood? It used to be that in order to keep making movies, to keep making the big money and keep bumping uglies with the world's finest celebrity-worshiping women, you had to deliver at the box office. I'm warning you, McConaughey. Consider this your one-film notice. "We Are...Marshall" better be good.

Today is Christopher Walken's 63rd Birthday. And "I have a fever. And the only prescription is more cow bell."

As a side note, if I was the casting director of a thriller Christopher Walken would be at the top of the list to play the role of the villian. The only other potential candidate would be John Lithgow and that guy who dresses up in a full suit and walks around Newbury Street and goes to Saint. I'm sure very few people know who I'm talking about but trust me you'll know him when you see him.

Well, not usually, but check out this tidbit in Gammon's latest ESPN blog.

Speaking of the Red Sox, they are putting Craig Hansen in Double-A and using him for three-inning stints, with a side session in between, rather than closing him. Hansen is best when he has his dominant sinker/Lidge-like slider combination, then goes up with his four-seamer. He also has the makings of an outstanding changeup, which the Sox want developed and know he cannot develop in three-out situations.

There are those -- including the Oregon State folks who saw Hansen shut them out as a starter in the regionals -- who think that, like Jonathan Papelbon, Hansen could be a starter and give Boston a long-term rotation of Josh Beckett, 26, Papelbon, 25, Hansen, 22 and Jon Lester, 22.

He also might be a dominant closer, but the Red Sox know that Rivera, Wagner, Gagne, Nathan, Lidge and almost all the best closers developed as starters.

I have no idea if this even makes sense but it's Peter Gammons. The guy's in the Hall of Fame. I think he knows what he's talking about and if he's onto something and Hansen could be a starter then I'm camping out for my 2008 World Series tickets now.

ESPN hired a company called StatShark.com to run over 3000 simulations of each game to give its readers a more scientific prediction of what was going to happen this weekend. Here at Barstool Sports we don't get to suck at the teat of Minnie Mouse and pay some dork to type stats into Deep Blue. We have to make due with what we have and what we have is my Xbox. So, here at our tournament headquarters, a.k.a my living room, I'm having my Xbox simulate Florida-George Mason and LSU-UCLA. It may not be quite as fancy as ESPN but after you see these results, how can you fault Barstool's system.

Xbox Guarantee #1: Florida over George Mason. Florida will win by over 25-points. My Xbox had the Gators winning 63-36 and 66-38. And Joakim Noah is pretty much the lowest rated player on the Gators so he barely plays. Who am I to argue with Bill Gates and his legion of geeks?

Chisholm Guarantee #1: Florida over George Mason. The Patriots' magic ride is over. GMU isn't going to sneak up on Florida. Billy Donovan probably spent the past week convincing his players that George Mason would have taken out Walton's Bruins. Gators come out strong, hold off the inevitable GMU push in the second half and win going away. 78-65.

Xbox Guarantee #2: UCLA over LSU. LSU 62-53, UCLA 54-51, UCLA 55-48. In three games, Xbox agreed on one thing: this is going to be an ugly game. Bill Gates likes the Bruins to claw out the victory in a slugfest but there is one major problem with this simulation- Tyrus Thomas is nowhere to be found. Oh, he's in the game but he's terrible.

Chisholm Guarantee #2. LSU over UCLA. Without Thomas jumping all over the gym, the Xbox simulation is a little off. Let's keep things simple. Basketball is about offense and defense. UCLA can defend but they can't score. LSU can defend and score. Edge Tigers. LSU wins 67-59.

There are three worlds of thought on steroids. First is the world most 'Stoolies, myself included, live. That's the world for people who'd rather watch town meeting on local cable access than listen to another word about steroids.

Then there's the world inhabited by most in the media. That's the world of all steroids, all the time. Pontificating, posturing, opining, wall to wall 24 hour steroid issue coverage.

Then there's the world where Bud Selig and congress live. That's where people live who say "Someone's written a book alleging something that's been blindingly obvious for ten years?!!! Let's give the appearance of doing something!!!"

If "Game of Shadows" is news to you, Bud, let me also suggest:

"Game of Spreads: Pete Rose Has Been Known to Make the Occasional Wager"

"Game of Slaps: Pro Wrestling is Fake"

"Game of Semen: Some NBA Players Are Having Children Out of Wedlock"

"Game of 'Stools: Barstool Readers Enjoy Beer and Women"

I really debated whether or not to post this but who am I to pass judgement on other people's infatuaions with chubby, gross, borderline pyschotic former Real World stars.

So, if you've already digested your lunch, or if you're a girl who wants to feel good about how she looks, or you're a guy who wants to feel good about his significant other, then click on this link for a very revealing picture of Aneesa from the Real World. The picture isn't just NSFW, it's potentially NSFVPUYLUG (not safe for viewing period unless you love ugly girls).

There are reports on ESPN.com that David Ortiz is about to sign a four year, $50 million extension with the Sox that would keep him at Fenway until 2010.

$12.5 million a year for Big Papi? Absolutely. Not only is he the best clutch hitter in the big leagues but he loves playing, has never caused a problem in the clubhouse and gives the Sox instant credibility whenever a big-time Latin free agent comes on the market.

This is probably more of a question for some of Barstool's more veteran readers but what in the name of God was going on in that strip club in Flashdance? Was that what strip clubs were like back in 1983? Was it expected that the dancer would wear an elaborate costume, paint her face like a mime and not get naked? Was that considered sexy back in '83?

Flashdance has been on HBO the past few days and I'm completely confused about so many aspects of this movie but the alleged strip club is what threw me off the most.

But I'm not disputing the fact that Jennifer Beals was hot, even in a tux. I was too young to appreciate her at the time but she's solid. And I'm man enough to admit that I really like the Flashdance theme song and the other classics. I often feel like a steel town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of her life.

Oh, and Beals is a terrible dancer. This guy is way better. Part I. Part II.

You're 80 years old. You've had a pretty good run. You've got a decent gig going in the almost completely anonymous job of Parks Commissioner for the town of Milford. It'd be pretty hard to screw that up, wouldn't you think?

Not if you're the ridiculously silly-named Reno Baci. Baci, apparently not content to just run out the clock in his few remaining years keeping Milford's playgrounds ice cream wrapper-free, is using his powerful position to carry out the Final Solution. He admits he was referring to a Jewish town offcial when he said, "Hitler turned off the ovens too soon when it comes to that guy." Baci, who is rejecting calls to resign, called the remark "unfortunate" and "stupid." Ya think?

Which begs the question, at what age does a guy's internal editor stop working? Or if Ol' American History X Reno's was working, what was going on inside his head that he refrained from saying because it would have been in bad taste?

This may set a record for the most soccer discussion ever on Barstool Sports but I just saw this Nike commercial and was flabbergasted. It features Ronaldinho who is just a nasty, nasty soccer player for Brazil and Barcelona when he was a little kid. He is flat out abusing the other kids- it's borderline unfair that he's even playing with them.

I love watching videos like this because you get an idea of just how ridiculously good pro athletes are. Ronaldinho is probably about 9 years old in this clip and there is no doubt that he's the best player out there. He just looks like a pro and he's still in middle school.

If I had to pick out a comparison for Ronaldinho from one of the more traditional American sports, I would say someone like Pedro Martinez from around 1999. At the absolute top of his profession, you stop to watch whenever he's playing and everyone watching knows that he's capable of pulling off something that they've never seen before.

Here's another Nike commercial featuring Ronaldinho. This may be all real but I have my doubts. Still a great ad though.

Jeff Garcia couldn't do it. The Ravens couldn't do it. Donovan McNabb couldn't do it. The entire Eagles organization couldn't do it. But a spunky teenager with puberty problems finally puts Terrell Owens in his face. All it took was some hot spit fire with the kid using T.O's own beats which in the rap game is like slapping a white glove across somebody's face. Nobody is safe from this kids rhymes. Not even Cowboy fans.

Other than every over-40 chubby white sportswriter in America and the chubby white fans of the Green Bay Packers, is there another person in the world who cares whether or not Brett Favre ever plays again?

Favre has sucked for at least the past 5-seasons except that it seems that most of the national media is terrified to admit it. And up until this season, Favre had some solid talent around him so it's not his GM's fault for not surrounding him with good players. His offensive line was one of the league's best, he had a great running back in Ahman Green and his receiving corps was good.

If Michael Vick had said that it wasn't his job to help Matt Schaub become a better quarterback, the media would have had an absolute breakdown. But Favre can freeze out Aaron Rodgers and somehow it becomes heroic.

With Anna Benson soon-to-be an athlete's ex-wife, it's time that we turned our attention to a more ridiculous looking athlete's wife and wonder what our lives would be like if we had a shred of actual athletic ability.

Let me introduce you to the second reason Red Sox fans can now hate Aaron Boone- Laura Cover, the Mrs. Aaron Boone.

She's a former Playboy Playmate- October 1998- and has been in a bunch of Playboy "films" including the Playmate Pajama Party, Playmates Busting Out, Girlfriends and California Girls. Her turn-ons are confidence, intelligence, a great sense of humor and the scent of vanilla. Turnoffs- dirty ears, protruding nostril hair, B.O., prejudice and disrespect.

I love how she throws in prejudice after protruding nostril hair and B.O. It's like she was sitting there, steam coming out of her ears, trying to come up with something more heinous than B.O. and finally her manager was like "uhhh, how 'bout prejudice?"

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I love this story.

Soccer referees in Nigeria have been told that it is OK to accept bribes as long as they remain neutral. Fanny Amun, the acting Secretary-General of the Nigerian Football Association had this to say: "Referees should only pretend to fall for the bait, but make sure the result doesn't favour those offering the bribe."

How great a job is that! You get to blatantly accept bribes and now you can capitalize on the fact that everyone knows you're accepting bribes by starting a bidding war between two competing sides, making even more money. And you not only won't get in trouble but you'll actually be a good soldier and make your bosses happy.

Round trip flights to Nigeria from Boston are about $1200. You could make that back with one big match.

Red Sox Spring Training 2006 is drawing mercifully to a close. This has been perhaps the dullest and most uneventful Spring Training in memory. But in the words of Ron Burgundy "And in no way is that depressing."

Boring, tedious, contoversy-free training camps are the hallmark of good organizations. As a Red Sox fan, I thrive on success, not the sturm und drang of the latest who-was-late-for-the-bus-to-St. Pete dustup.

The only people for whom a quiet camp is a bad thing are WEEI and the hack writers like Shaughnessy and Buckley. Taking controversies away from them is like taking the ball out of Ricky Davis' hands. Without it, they've got no game.

In October, we knew this would me an offseason of turmoil, and the Sox delivered in spades. But once the Coco Crisp deal was done, so was all the drama. Mercifully. Now let's strap 'em on and play ball.

Wow, who would have guessed it? Jay Bilas and the rest of the ESPN hoops crew all knew that George Mason was a good squad and would make a run in the NCAA's.

What a load of crap.

On Selection Sunday, all the talking heads were apoplectic that Mason was in the tourney as an at-large. And I'm not trying to act like I thought the Patriots were going to make this run. I had them losing in the first round. But all the experts who are now so enamored with George Mason are a bunch of hypocrites. Three weeks ago they were bemoaning the fact that mid-majors were getting too much respect. Now, they're boxing each other out to pucker up and smooch Jim Larranga's butt.

The only ESPN guy who deserves some credit is...Dickie V. He at least admitted that he would rather see a talented team like UConn or Duke in the NCAA's than a team like GMU. And I think I agree with him because it just seems like Mason has a blowout heading their way and its going to happen sooner or later. If Florida brings their "A" game they should wipe the floor with the Pats and it will really dilute the potential drama of the Final Four.

Is there any dumber victory celebration than what happens each year at the NIT? South Carolina repeated- which is embarrassing enough in itself- and acted like they were cutting down the nets in Indy. Memo to the Gamecocks- you guys suck. That's why you're in the NIT.

The only teams that should celebrate NIT victories are very young squads that overcame a slow start and couldn't quite get over the hump to make the NCAA's. You go to the NIT, get a feel for postseason tournament play and then come back the next year a battle-tested, veteran team capable of making some noise in the Big Dance. But South Carolina is loaded with juniors and seniors. They were stuck in the NIT's last year and they're celebrating the fact that they were unmotivated enough yet again this year to make it to the real tourney. Congrats, SC. You guys are the 66th best team in America. Actually 69th because I'm pretty sure that Cincinnati and Hofstra would wipe the floor with you.