Random Thoughts

I hope everybody is sitting down right now. Because what I'm about to say is arguably the most important thing I've ever said in the history of the Stool.

Drum roll please.......

Adam Lambert is the best American Idol contestant in the history of the show and it's not even close. GASP! Sure he loves sticking his dick in dudes in public, but the bottom line is he can sing like a motherfucker. Tonight's performance of Black and White was an instant classic and may be a better version than MJ himself could sing. Bottom line is that Lambert makes everybody else in the competition look like bumbling idiots and once again proves just how awesome I am at American Idol. Will he win? I guess it depends on whether he can keep his dick in his pants, but this is still clearly his competition to lose. So do me a favor and cue the motherfucking Duck Boats! Viva La Stool!

Introducing Meredith from Boston.    God damn is the Pres setting them up and knocking them down this week or what?   This makes two absolutely ridiculous Smokeshows in a row.   If this shit keeps up the First Lady may just become “the lady” pretty soon.    It’s just Wheelhouse, wheelhouse and more wheelhouse.   (PS – I hope the First Lady doesn’t read this or I’m in trouble)

Can we make this the best week of Smokeshows ever?  Send all nominations to randomthoughts@barstoolsports.com

Click for more pics of Meredith

Salt Lake City - Two Bountiful Junior High School teachers are accused of sexually assaulting the same 13-year-old student, after their separate relationships with him spiraled from personal conversations to the exchange of sexual text messages and phone sex, authorities said. On Friday, the Davis County Attorney's Office filed first-degree felony charges of rape and sodomy on a child against Linda R. Nef, 46, and Valynne Bowers, 39. Nef, a Utah studies teacher and cheerleading adviser, and Bowers, who teaches math, each confessed to having sex with the student, said Bountiful Police Lt. Randy Pickett. Until recently, the two teachers did not know about each other's relationship with the same boy, Pickett said... In separate conversations, the boy and the two teachers began discussing personal problems, Pickett said. That led to text messages, including ones involving sexual matters, then phone sex and the alleged sexual assaults, Pickett said. The investigation so far indicates none of the alleged sex acts occurred at the school, Pickett said. Instead, the teachers allegedly went with the student to homes, parking lots or parks in Bountiful, Woods Cross, Farmington and Kaysville.

Frank Sinatra. Tom Jones. Gene Simmons. Ron Jeremy. Magic Johnson. Derek Jeter. Justin Timberlake. Unnamed Bountiful Jr. High Student. Once in every generation, a guy comes along who brings pussyhoundness to a whole new level. Who's appetite for women is so insatiable that he passes beyond the realm of mere "stud" into the stuff of legend. And after banging two different teachers at the same school without the other knowing about it means this kid deserves to be mentioned among those all time greats. This kid is the Wilt Chamberlain of Sex Scandal Teacher >ahem< "victims." Except that any 13 year old who got two teachers to do him in homes, parking lots and parks in Bountiful, Woods Cross, Farmington and Kaysville should be called anything but "Wilt."

The Grades:
Looks: Let's be honest. Neither of these women is anything you'd brag to your friends about afterward. Valynne (left above) is a D, Linda (right) is a C-. If the kid had them at the same time, maybe you could multiply the scores or combine them exponentially (Valynne teaches math so I'd need her to explain how), but since it was just one at a time then the only fair thing to do is split the difference. Grade: D+.
Moral Compass/Bad Judgement: When your 13 year old boy toy is saying things like "If you're looking for a place we could head over to the park in Woods cross or Farmington or Kaysville..." does it set off alarm bells that indicate maybe you're not his first rodeo? I mean, louder alarm bells than the ones that say "You shouldn't be having sex with your 13 year old student." Grade: A+.
Intangibles: Does this kid have a rap down or what? "Yeah, I've really got some personal problems. Can I confide them to you? Then can we exchange sexy text messages then have sex? That would really help." Plus, can you beat the irony of a kid bagging two teachers at a school called "Bountiful"? I might as well been "Multiple Jr. High." Grade: A+.
Overall: Only, if only, either or both of these teachers were hot, this would be one of the all time great Sex Scandals. As it is though, it's still pretty damned good. Grade: A-. (Thanks to Tim O, Todd S, Mac and Jeff for sending this along.)

Have information about a hot female teacher seducing her students? Send it to jerry@barstoolsports.com

Reader Email

Forget about Paul Pierce being the best boston scorer ever, which is a tough statement, but I'm starting to lean that way..what the hell happened to Bob Ryan's face????

http://www.boston.com/sports/video/globe10/?bctid=15217277001

-Kyle from Gloucester

Besides people asking me if I heard Britney Spears say her pussy was hanging out do you know what the number 1 question has been the last couple days?What the fuck is going on with Bob Ryan’s face?    The answer is that I have no idea.  Somebody told me he just had an operation to help prevent cancer or something like that.      To me it just looks like he got his ass kicked by a tanning booth.   Either way I hope it’s nothing serious.   And if this is just a temporary thing, which by all accounts it is, my advice would be to lay low for a couple days.  No need to be on TV 24/7 scaring the piss out of little kids.   

In the "Art of War" Sun Tzu states "Every battle is won or lost before it's ever fought." That's also true of drunken stranger fights. It's all about intimidating your opponent. Whoever comes off as the more crazy/dangerous will win one of these encounters 99 times out of 100. And in this particular stare down, clean cut college kid has no chance of out crazying a guy with eight months of beard and hair and a Hard Rock Cafe London jacket on. The insane homeless look makes you the Alpha Male in an arena fight, the human equivalent of having the bigger antlers or longer fangs or most colorful feathers or something. Clean cut Canucks fan was dead even before the beer hit him. Then all he could do was take it.

Craigslist - I have had this phone for about 3 months, from which I purchased from a friend. The story with it is... unlike most phones, the power off option will not fully turn off the phone. When powered off the phone is still running and the touch screen will still work through applications but won't make any calls. SO WEIRD! So this being the case, if left set off, but not connecting it to charge the battery. I thought I had broken it when it wouldn't turn on, so I went to AT&T and bought a brand new battery. The phone worked once again. Then stupid me, I let the battery drain again. The phone will charge the battery when it is partially charged. I have all kinds of accessories that will come with it; three cases, white, black, and pink, A leather case, dock with charging hook-up and computer syncing, separate usb hookup and wall charger. So the deal is that the phone works and charges the battery if it is not completely dead. Now you can either- find someone with a Centro and throw this battery in to give it the initial kick it needs to start charging again, OR buy a new battery.

Disclosure!!! (the catch)

Having said that the battery again drained, I did not have the chance to delete the contents on the phone. The buyer/trader MUST be at least 18 years old, and willing to sign something pledging to erase what is on the phone. The internal memory holds maybe a couple of pictures of my girlfriend and one movie performing a sexual act. She agrees to the sale but emphasizes to delete. Both of us are at legal age so I'm not selling anything with kiddy porn but again must be willing to erase.

EMAIL ME YOUR NUMBER AND WE CAN TALK! I am looking for Wii Games and accessories OR CASH! But throw me an offer and I'll consider it.

I love guys like this.   Dude do you want to make this deal or not?  I mean you’re trying to sell me a broken phone here not a new Blackberry.   So spare me the stipulations.   If I want to beat off 9 thousand times a day to this camera or make a youtube of your little sex act then that’s my right.    If you don’t like it then don’t sell it to me or buy a new battery and delete it yourself.   Otherwise it’s smut finders keepers losers weepers.

PS - I'd bet my life this little video would make me puke.

Arielle Unger, left, 18, and her sister Christiann, 21, both of Danville, showcase their talents both on the pageant floor and with an ax for the University of New Hampshire woodsmen team.
Jarrod Thompson / Staff Photographer

EagleTribune - Some might see the pastimes as complete opposites. But two Danville sisters relish both their pageants and their woodsmen competitions. Each of them feels at ease holding a microphone or an ax, wearing fingernail polish or blue jeans.  At practice last week, University of New Hampshire woodsmen team members Christiann Unger, 21, and Arielle Unger, 18, ripped a two-handled cross-cut saw through a log in subfreezing temperatures, their blond hair tossing and the sawdust flying.  Christiann, a graduate of Central Catholic High School in Lawrence, Mass., has been competing in pageants since she was 17, winning the Miss Gate City crown in Nashua and competing in the Miss New Hampshire pageant in 2008.  Arielle, who also attended Central Catholic but graduated last year from Timberlane Regional High School, has been competing in pageants since she was 17.  Arielle hasn't won a crown yet, but won the best smile and most congenial at the Kingston/Seacoast Pageant last year.  The sisters are jacks of all trades.  Both of them dance. Christiann tap dances. Arielle has been performing since she was 3 years old. At pageant talent competitions, she does a jazz dance.  She first learned to use a log splitter at age 5 or 6.  Arielle, who bench pressed 135 pounds three times as a high school senior one day in gym, gets enlisted at home to move heavy objects — like large air-conditioning units from floor to floor.  Their mom, Debbie, calls Arielle her "little ox." "She's freakishly strong," Christiann said.

Arielle won best smile and most congenial at the Kingston/Seacost Pageant last year?   What’s that?   Like the coaches award or something.  I mean everybody knows that winning “most congenial” is the kiss of death in the pageant world.    I’d rather come in last then get the pity vote.    I’m just glad I wasn’t there when the “little ox” got home because I bet she was smashing shit everywhere.   Seriously can you imagine banging these chicks?  Sure they’re cute but they’re probably rip your dick off too.  That’s why as a rule I don’t sleep with chicks I can’t beat in arm wrestling.  It’s just too dangerous.

TULSA, OK -- After winning $2,000 at Tulsa’s Creek Nation Casino, one gambler’s luck turned when his money allegedly was taken by two women he took to his home. Eamon Henson invited the two women to gamble and then to go his home, in the 3700 block of South Knoxville Avenue, for drinks early Monday, Tulsa police reported.  The women told Henson, 39, that they were massage therapists, but after removing the man’s pants, the women left with his cash and other items about 4:15 a.m. Monday, police said.  A police officer arrested two women fitting their descriptions at a nearby convenience store about4:45 a.m.  Lashell Amber Averill (left) and Lashyla Harmony Alvarez (right), both 21, had a large amount of cash with them, police said. Marijuana, scales and several plastic bags were found in their vehicle, police said.   Averill was arrested on larceny and drug complaints, with bail set at $10,000. Alvarez also faces a larceny complaint and is being held in lieu of $2,500 bail, jail records indicate.

Well this is what we in the degenerate community refer to as a good old fashioned “win/lose”.  Win at the blackjack table/poker table/nickel slots, etc. Lose it all on "massage therapists". Unfortunately, tiz' the life of a degenerate. One second you're up 2 grand awaiting the handjob of a lifetime, the next second you're lying in bed flat-broke, piss drunk with your pants down in Oklahoma. Hey, it's happened to the best of us. As my dad once told me, "Just try not to let it happen more than once."

NY Post - Love is in the air between the Yankees and Red Sox. Maybe "love" is a little strong, but Dustin Pedroia and Kevin Youkilis don't mind saying they have formed a bond with Derek Jeter as members of Team USA for the World Baseball Classic... Pedroia recently set the tone when he posted a deodorant ad in his locker. In the ad, Jeter is standing outside Fenway Park, and the message says, "Every day is a walk in the park. Even this park." Jeter couldn't help but laugh at Pedroia's posting. "You get to know guys playing against them, as players," Jeter said. "But one of the good things about something like this is you get an opportunity to put personalities with the players."

So this is how far Derek Jeter has sunk after eight years of futility. The one-time "Most Respected Player in the Game" has been so humbled and so cowed by the relentless ass kickings he's taken at the hands of his superiors that he's now reduced to feeble attempts to ingratiate himself to them. Even when the reigning MVP dumps on him in front of all his WBC teammates with a humiliating poster of him, Jeter chuckles along like he's in on the joke and their laughing with him, not at him. It's no different than if Pedroia walked into the lockerroom, said "Hello, McFly!!!" and started giving him noogies and Jeter just said "Ha ha, Biff. Real funny..." and just got busy on Pedroia's term paper. It's a sad day, I'll tell you that. Where's the Jeter I used to know? Where's the guts?

Boston.com - Eddie Doyle has signed thousands of autographs, posed for just as many pictures, and has raised more than $1 million for Boston charities. Although he never held public office, pitched at Fenway, or performed on local TV, Doyle is famous. He's also among the newly unemployed. For nearly 35 years, or almost half of his life, Doyle has been the smiling face behind the bar at Cheers - the Beacon Hill pub that inspired the TV show with the same name in the early 1980s. As one of Boston's last fabled bartenders, he served drinks and advice for five decades. During that time, his charitable deeds became the stuff of legend. Along the way he got to know thousands, introduced dozens of singles who would eventually marry, and held numerous fund-raisers that attracted everybody from the glitterati to the near-homeless. But a few weeks ago he was told by Tom Kershaw, owner of the Cheers bar, that the recession had hit his industry and he was being laid off. Doyle, who is in his late 60s, said he's surprisedbut not bitter. "I'm a casualty of the economic situation that we're in," said Doyle, who spent part of this week cleaning out his office. Kershaw acknowledged that it was a difficult decision. "Business is way off," he said, adding that he would continue to send Doyle a weekly paycheck until the end of the year.” As word spread of his layoff, many people, such as former Boston mayor Raymond Flynn, said that the city has lost an institution."He's as important as George Washington to this city; he's that well known," said Flynn.

Ok maybe I’m an idiot, but I wouldn’t know Eddie Doyle if he slapped me across the face.  Don’t get me wrong he sounds like a good dude, but who fucking goes to Cheers besides tourists?  I’ve literally never stepped foot inside that place in my life and I don’t know anybody who has.   Maybe it was popular like 30 year ago or something, but Ray Flynn can cut the shit with this whole Eddie Doyle is as important to this city as George Washington routine.   Although on second thought I didn’t know George Washington was important to Boston either so I guess it kind of makes sense.   Either way I’m curious how many Stoolies actually know who this guy is or have actually ever gone to Cheers?   Or is this just another Red Sox Nation type of thing where the only people who care about this bullshit are the people who don’t actually live here?

Vote 1 for Never Heard of him and 10 for He’s almost as famous as me  (AKA Wicked Fucking Famous)….

Click Here for the Answer

UPDATE - CLICK FOR MYSPACE PAGE

(Bonus points for her having her mugshot on her own myspace page. Nice touch)

PORTSMOUTH — When Britta Osberg’s ex-boyfriend asked her to return a ring, she punched him in the face twice, leaving the ring’s imprint on his cheek, police allege, reports the Portsmouth Herald. Based on those allegations, Osberg, 19, of 110 Perkins Road, Rye, is scheduled to be arraigned in Portsmouth District Court Monday on two class A misdemeanor counts of simple assault.According to an affidavit by Officer Eric Kinsman, the alleged victim told police he went to a city gas station to retrieve the ring from Osberg, she refused to return it and they began to argue. During the argument, Osberg is alleged to have twice punched her ex in the face. Read full story here.

This one is as black and white as it gets.   If the dude cheated on Britta then she gets to keep it.   If he just dumped her ass, but there was no cheating involved, he gets the ring back.  Those are the universal rules of engagement rings.   Either way it’s kind of weird she’s still wearing it since they broke up.   Seriously pawn that shit honey.    More importantly Britta is fucking hot! I've seen celebrities who wish they could pull off a mugshot like that.  Seriously can somebody please send me some more fucking pictures of this bitch already?  Is that too much to ask?  Sometimes I feel like it’s pulling teeth around here to get anything done. 

PS - I smell a Barstool Cover in Britta's future.

UPDATE -

Thanks to Southside Mike for finding Britta's Myspace Page . It takes a big man to admit when they are wrong. I was wrong. Savor the flavor, because it sure as shit won't happen again.

(Bonus points for her having her mugshot on her own myspace page. Nice touch)

If I had to guess I’d say I was sent this video 75 times over the past 24 hours, but I never bothered to click on the link once.    That’s how much Britney Spears stock has fallen for me.    I’d rather ship shirts than look at her beat ass pussy for the millionth time.   But people kept sending me it so I finally checked it out and boy am I glad I did.    Because it totally wasn’t what I thinking.   I was expecting another up close and personal gash shot that would have borderline given me the gay, but instead I got comedy gold.  I mean say what you want about Britney but her delivery here was impeccable.    “Okay my PUSSY is hanging out”     It’s Gold Jerry Gold!

- Thanks to everybody who sent the link

I think this is 99% real. And by real I mean it was on some prank TV show or something and this chick had no idea what was happening. The only reason I'm holding out on going 100% is because that bitch was lightening fast with the mace. Almost too fast if you know what I mean. But like I said I still think it's legit.

PS - We've got bush!

Page2live.com - A man held at the Palm Beach County jail on a probation violation was charged Tuesday with stalking a local TV personality and an NFL Network sideline reporter. According to court records, John Stewart Taylor, 37, of Wellington was charged with 41 counts of making harassing and obscene phone calls, and aggravated stalking. He’s being held on $25,000 bail. Network officials called from their California headquarters last month to complain to the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office that their employee received a “large amount” of obscene messages on her voice mail from a John Taylor. How large? Try 300 voice messages, according to court papers. Since the dude was sending e-mail signed “John Taylor” from his personal Comcast account and calling from his own cell phone, it didn’t take long for the sheriff’s sleuths to nab him – especially since Taylor was arrested at his home Feb. 19 on the probation violation.

First of all is there any stalker in the world that doesn’t use three names?   It’s like rule #1 of being insane.  Anyway great choice by John Stewart Taylor in deciding who he wanted to stalk here.   I mean Erin Andrews is so played out it’s not even funny. Meanwhile Lindsay Soto has been flying under the radar for years strutting her stuff on the West Coast.    So kudos for not going with the obvious stalking choice.   And not to condone what he did, but how do you let a dude like John Stewart Taylor leave you 300 voicemails?I mean after the 100^th call shouldn’t you think about changing your phone number or calling the cops?  I mean it was almost like Lindsay Soto was craving the attention or something.   I wouldn’t put it past her.  That’s what happens when you’re stuck doing the 10pm games on the West Coast.

ESPN - A Facebook post criticizing his employer, the Philadelphia Eagles, cost a stadium operations worker his job, according to a story in Monday's Philadelphia Inquirer. Dan Leone, who the Inquirer said worked as a west gate chief, was unhappy the team let Brian Dawkins sign with the Denver Broncos in free agency. According to the newspaper, Leone posted the following on his Facebook page: "Dan is [expletive] devastated about Dawkins signing with Denver ... Dam Eagles R Retarted!!" Despite deleting the comment, Leone told the Inquirer the Eagles fired him by phone days later. "I shouldn't have put it up there," Leone said, according to the Inquirer. "I was ticked off, and I let my emotions go, but I didn't offend any one person or target a specific individual. I was just upset that we lost such a great guy. Dawkins was one of my favorite players. I made a mistake."I apologized for it," Leone said, according to the paper. "I apologized 20 million times. I never bad-mouthed the organization before. I made one mistake and they terminate me? And they couldn't even bring me into the office to talk to me? They had to do it over the phone? At least look me in the eye. To get done dirty like this, I can't believe it. I'm devastated."

God damn, Dan Leone got done did dirty!  I mean what’s the big deal here?The guy works security right?  Who fucking cares if he bad mouths the team on facebook?      It’s not like he’s an assistant coach or anything.  The guy is just a fan who happens to work for the Eagles.   What’s next?  You gonna fire the guy who works in the pro shop or the hot dog guy because he questions the play calling?   Seriously the Eagles can calm the fuck down.   How about you win a superbowl before you start acting like your shit don’t stink?   The only team in this league right now who can’t be criticized is the Pats.  Yeah that’s right I’m talking to you Pittsburgh.  Do me favor and can call me when you win 3 superbowls this decade.   Until then shut up.

#9 Tina Miller

Tina is 26 and from Miami so being hot is her birthright. She got her LPGA card last year and is currently linked to Carolina Panthers "Kickoff Specialist" Rhys Lloyd.

#8 Paula Creamer

The 22-year-old from California goes by the nicknames "Pink Panther" (for wearing pink on the course) and "Creamy" and "The Creamer" (which she swears is because of her last name only...).